The Credible Report

Provo, UT - The hit new show in Utah, “Extreme Mormon Makeover”, features members of the LDS faith most often requesting to have horn and tail reduction procedures performed. Other makeover shows on national television usually have guests requesting breast implants and nose jobs.

“This is a great show and I hope I get to be on it one day,” says Katie Thompson, a Brigham Young University sophomore majoring in family sciences. “I have been saving up for a horn job ever since high school but it would just be amazing to be on the show and have it done for free.”

In case you weren’t aware, all members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS, Mormons) have horns on their heads and tails growing from their behind. Once thought to be urban legend springing from bigots in the Bible Belt, the rumors have been proven true and Mormons everywhere are shedding their horns and tails now without shame.

“We don’t know why we grow them, but we do,” says Dorothy Gibson of Provo. “I had my horn job done 12 years ago and I have loved every minute since. I love watching the makeover show to see how much joy the participants experience with their new foreheads. I have scars on my forehead but technology has improved so much that these days you wouldn’t know horns were ever there. It’s amazing.”

The weekly show on KJZZ-14, a Salt Lake City based station, features two or three guests who will have horns and/or tail removed at the show’s expense. Thus far six episodes have aired.

Toronto - The increasingly vocal Vegetable Rights Militant Movement (VRMM) staged a protest today at Toronto’s national farming tradeshow. What started out as a peaceful sing-a-long, with people dressed up as characters from the cartoon “Veggie Tales”, soon become a sea of violence when animal rights activists spray painted the cartoon character costumes, claiming they were made of animal products. A full-fledged riot ensued.

No one was fatally injured, but 13 people suffered minor injuries ranging from a broken rib to a black eye.

The Canadian Mounted Patrol was able to quickly contain the riot and separate the vegetarians and meatatarians from one another.

“We have a valid issue with the farming inudustry and it’s use of lethal weaponry during the harvest. Nobody has ever fought for vegetable rights until us and we won’t stop until our vegetable friends can lead the sort of peaceful life we should all expect on this earth,” says VRMM member Susan Richins. “We didn’t start this riot today but we won’t stand idly by while another group tries to force it’s views on us.”

The VRMM not only takes issue with farmer’s use of tractors, bailers, and other industrial farming equipment but is opposed generally to humans consuming fruits and vegetables as a food source for survival.

Ann Arbor, MI - Amid the many stories of glee and bliss emanating from Monday night’s annual celebration of the most precious of emotions, love, rises a story that has people scratching their heads far and wide.

A hullabaloo broke out at the Ann Arbor Movies 16 when graduate student Phillip Loyter verbalized his discomfort with a funny smell in the theatre.

He was at the new movie “Hitch” on a tail end of a Valentine’s Day date with University of Michigan sophomore Becky Johnson. It was their third date.

“We walked in to the theatre and as we were taking our seats, behind some elderly women, I detected a god awful smell and nearly lost my dinner,” said Loyter. “I whispered to my date that it really smelled bad in there and that the old ladies in front were gassing the place up. Becky gave me a crusty look and ran out of the theatre screaming and in tears. I just stood there like ‘what the [expletive] was that all about?”

After gathering himself, Loyter followed his date out into the theatre lobby and caught up to her just as she was exiting to the parking lot. The scene caught the attention of an off-duty policeman who’s instincts told him to phone in a disturbance to the Ann Arbor police department.

When police arrived a few minutes later, they found Loyter and Johnson talking on the sidewalk of the movie theatre. Johnson was still crying and visibly very upset with Loyter. Sergeant Dan Brower approached the couple and asked if he could assist young Johnson.

“She told me that I could help by teaching her date a lesson about being polite. I asked if she was hurt or if her date had ‘roughed her up’. She told me her feelings were hurt because her date caught her farting in the theatre and made a sarcastic remark about it. I’ve never seen a case like this before,” said Sergeant Brower.

After this startling confession, Phillip Loyter looked at his date and asked if it was really her that had caused the smell in the theatre, which really didn’t help matters. When no response (other than more sobbing) was issued by Johnson, Loyter asked if he could give her a ride home and end the evening.

Johnson got a ride from Sergeant Brower instead. Loyter told CredibleReport afterwards that he had no intention of ever asking out young Johnson again once he discovered the true source of the theatre’s stench.

Good thinking, Phil.

Norfolk, VA - Harassment takes many forms in this day and age of “uber” political correctness (not that there’s anything wrong with that). The latest to hit a courtroom near you: animal sexual harassment. Yes, folks, one of those leg happy canines has finally been tried and convicted of his crimes against humanity, and got seven years without parole in the Virginia State Penitentiary as punishment.

Your first question, I am sure, is how did this commonplace living room activity become a crime? My answer: Don’t fret, I’m going to tell you how.

A Virginia man walked into his municipal offices a few months ago seeking to press charges against “Pepper” - a neighborhood labrador. The story around the city offices is that police thought the man was there on a gag a la “Reno 9-1-1″. Not until the man broke down and began to sob hysterically did police begin to listen.

The man , who we will call Joe, must have known his accusations would probably be taken lightly due to the fact that he carried with him damning visual evidence of Pepper’s relentless harassment.

You can buy Humphrey the Humping Dog at Amazon

“All I wanted to do was play Xbox with my friends in peace,” said Joe. The video taken by Joe’s friend’s brother shows hour after hour of Pepper’s not-so-subtle advances on Joe’s legs. Sickening.

Papers were filed and Joe retained counsel. The owners of the dog wanted Pepper to defend himself but the judge assigned to the case wouldn’t have it and turned defense over to the Office of the Public Defender.

There was much pre-trial speculation that the case would never make it to court because, well, the defendant wasn’t human. However, the judge saw it differently. “I’ve tried too many cases to remember where non-humans were the victims. PETA has been knocking down my door for nigh on 25 years with every asinine claim in the book where humans have mistreated animals. If non-humans have rights and can be victimized by humans, so can humans be victimized by non-humans. Species discrimination will no longer be a part of this court. Those PETA folks have done a damned good job of convincing me that animals have rights, and therefore they must also have responsibilities.”

Pepper’s owners were distraught when the judge set bail at $25,000. According to the court reporter, bail was set this high because the judge said most dogs like to run away every chance they get.

“I guess he could be considered a ‘flight risk’ - he does like to bolt out the door when we have company,” stated Sarah Flynn, Pepper’s mother. “We couldn’t afford $25,000 and it tore me up inside to know he was locked up all day long in a cold concrete cell without anyone to rub his belly.”

Most people have fallen victim to attacks like Joe suffered whether it be at a stranger’s home, a friend’s home, or even in one’s own home - at the paws of the family pet.

It’s been estimated by the National Foundation of Sexual Deviancy Studies (NFSDS) that 93% of Americans over the age of 13 are victims of animal sexual harassment. The NFSDS also estimates that 99.9% of all American dogs are guilty of said crime.

“We’re not sure what ramifications this ruling will have on our ability to house inmates,” said Warden James L. Strickland of the Virginia state prison system. “We already have a bed shortage.. I suppose we’ll have to put six to eight dogs in each cell, in their own kennel unit.”

When PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) was contacted regarding the Warden’s comments, it was made clear to CredibleReport.com that the animal rights group would stop at nothing to ensure every dog in the prison system was treated just as humanely as human inmates. So watch out Warden Strickland - you may not be able to put more than two dogs in any given cell after all!

Though some readers may find this case to be a mockery of the American judicial system others will come to realize that in an advanced society species’ rights were bound to evolve along with everything else. Now that one man in Virginia has had the courage to stand up to canine criminal activity expect to see a lot less offensive products (see photo), jokes, and anti-species remarks across the country.

Thank God.

SHELBYVILLE, Ind. - Many news agencies around the country have reported part of this story, where a young woman found a lotto ticket worth $100,000. However, CredibleReport has inside information about what the clerk did with the big payoff.

After receiving her check for $71,600, Karrie Jeremiah burned it.

“I had the guilt of God bearing down on my everlasting soul,” exclaimed Jeremiah. “I just couldn’t live with all that sinful, gambled money.”

91% of democrats polled by CredibleReport agreed with this action, most arguing it’s not honest money unless the government gives it to you.

4% of republicans agreed. Those who agreed suggested it would have been better to at least give the money to charity.

Whether you think Karrie Jeremiah a fool, a thief, or an honest Christian one thing remains true. She’ll be working minimum wage jobs at least until she finds another winning lotto ticket in the trash.

Pensacola, FL - The Richard Daft family of Des Moines, Iowa just returned home from a fabulous week at Disney World - and they didn’t have to spend a dime of their own money on the vacation. In fact, they had an extra $5,000 cash to spend while there (or to save if they so chose).

Odds are you have seen or heard of the Disney email tracking giveaway that flooded the country a couple of years ago. Well the results are in and participants are now being compensated for their email forwarding efforts.

Richard Daft’s wife, Dorothy, received an email from a friend in 2001 which promised $5,000 and/or a Disney vacation if the email was forwarded on to all friends and family. Disney wanted to test their new email tracking program and would compensate participants once the email had reached 13,000 people.

The Dafts were notified in the fall of 2004, by email of course, that they were chosen as winners of the grand prize: A trip for four to Disney World in Florida and $5,000 cash.

“That [email] turned out to be the best one I ever forwarded,” said Dorothy Daft. The Dafts said they will definitely participate in other similar projects, if they have the opportunity.

The Dafts did not spend the entire $5,000 prize while in Florida and plan to use some of the money for a home makeover as well as paying down credit cards.

FW: Let’s do Disney! Disney message & $5,000.00

If you read below you will see the note from Walt Disney Jr. & Management at Disney World. Basically if this messages reaches 13,000 people, everyone will receive $5,000.00 or a free, all expenses paid, trip to Disney World in anytime during the summer of 1999.

See the note below - its worth it!!!!

Everyone is to resend to 15 individuals. Please read and forward to as many friends as possible…we’ve checked up on this and this is no joke of a chain letter or something if this reaches 13,000 people…duplicate entries don’t count, though…So, please help & pass on… thank you, and here you go!!!

———————

Hello Disney fans,

My name is Walt Disney Jr. Here at Disney we are working with Microsoft which has just compiled an e-mail tracing program that tracks everyone to whom this message is forwarded to. It does this through an unique IP (Internet Protocol) address log book database. We are experimenting with this and need your help. Forward this to everyone you know and if it reaches 13,000 people, 1,300 of the people on the list will receive $5,000 and a free trip for four to Disney World for one week at our expense. Enjoy.

Note: Duplicate entries will not be counted. You will be notified by email with further instructions once this email has reached 13,000 people.

Your friend,

Walt Disney Jr.