The Credible Report

An armless artist in Georgia, who is semi-famous for painting with his feet, got into a fist fight over a woman and killed the man he was fighting.

Read more here.

Deemed a trouble-maker, flatulence has been banned by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA). In an effort to aid all airline passengers, a new policy has been implemented which requires the use of a natural enzyme product, beano, prior to boarding the plane.

The new policy was created at least in part due to security concerns on a recent American Airlines flight where a passenger lit matches to cover the odor of her gas.

“We just can’t let anyone light matches on planes, willy nilly,” said TSA representative Jim Smoot. “And we surely can’t allow them to use liquid or gas based products like Lysol to deodorize, so naturally we have turned to the all-natural solution: beano.”

The Phoenix Airport has begun testing a new passenger screening method using x-rays. One unsuspecting traveler attempted to smuggle a second passenger aboard but was caught by the x-ray machine.

The “Buzz Lightyear” doll of Toy Story fame (shown above) was riding along in the passenger’s anal cavity. The doll was removed, inspected, and once cleared, the passenger was released to catch his flight.

A dose of runway romance got physical today. Two jumbo jets, a Lufthansa Boeing 747 and a Continental Airlines Boeing 757, were able to connect for a brief moment this evening after several weeks of separation.

“We only get to see each other every few weeks but we find a way to make it work,” said the 757. “I had the night off and wanted my man to stay with me for just a moment.”

Things heated up, however, when the 747 went too far in his advances. “Airport rules of conduct prohibit physical contact outside the hangars but she was sitting there looking so damn sexy. I couldn’t resist her, and she likes it rough.”

After hurting himself on his metallic bird of a girlfriend, the 747 was grounded and 291 passengers were delayed.

Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney, is in some “hot water” for his recent comments to the media about dunking terrorists in water. When asked a question about water boarding, the VP replied:

“Well, it’s a no-brainer for me, but for a while there I was criticized as being the vice president for torture. We don’t torture. That’s not what we’re involved in.”

However, White House press secretary Tony Snow later declared:

“You know as a matter of common sense that the vice president of the United States is not going to be talking about water boarding. Never would, never does, never will. You think Dick Cheney’s going to slip up on something like this? No, come on.”

To the average media dolt, the VP’s comments come across as implying sanction of torture. However, it’s clear to anyone with half a brain that Cheney was merely talking about getting the stinky captives a bath every once in a while. Asked to define a dunk in water, Snow said, “It’s a dunk in the water.”

Are we now going to bitch about bathing prisoners too much? Are they catching pneumonia?? Media sissies evidently think so.

Los Angeles, CA - The recent breakup of celebrity couple Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn has left a foul smell in the air. Vaughn reportedly broke off the relationship, reaquiring the $500,000 engagement ring he had previously given to Anniston, which apparently has not settled well with his former fiance.

In an exclusive to CredibleReport.com, it has been discovered that Jen isn’t afraid to send her former beaus a small gift, supposedly as a token of her appreciation for their time together. The gift, as it turns out, was a one pound pile of poop in a small cookie tin surrounded by easter grass and glitter.

The poop, made by a 90 pound pitbull, arrived at Vaughn’s hotel room by special delivery with a note reportedly attached reading:

Thanks for nothing, shit head.

While the return address on the package was bogus, it is thought the poop gift was purchased by Aniston at POOPeGIFTS.com, provider of “sweet revenge”.

Chicago, IL - A recent study by the Alternative National United Society (ANUS) found that 73% of college aged homosexuals have little or no tolerance for heterosexual peers. This represents a rise of 14% from a year ago.

“We ask questions like ‘Do you have heterosexual friends?’ and ‘Would you hit on a heterosexual if you found them attractive?’ to try and enter the minds of our college aged members,” said Juan Johnson, President of ANUS. “Of course, most members responded that they would hit on an attractive straight person, but overall the study shows that most members would prefer that everyone be gay. Something I can totally understand,” giggled Johnson.

“I just don’t understand what a guy could see in a girl,” states Chicago resident homosexual “Mr. X”. “Their butts are like, so not as cute.” If you say so, X.

Heterosexual groups worry about this rise in heterophobia because they believe it will have many negative impacts on the straight society. “It’s going to be a lot harder to get a haircut from a good stylist if they don’t like me or don’t respect me because of my sexual preference,” frets college student Ben Magoali. “I’m also worried that if there is less respect there is a better chance I could be inappropriately fondled by my stylist.”

There are many forces at work in the United States today, however, that are uniting bother hetero and homosexual worlds, like the TV show where homosexual guys take a hetero under their wing and polish him up, so to speak. Let’s hope the bridge of friendliness continues to span the sexual preference gap.

CredibleReport has no knowledge of existing heterophobic hate crime cases.

Albuquerque, NM - Bar fights happen all the time in the United States and is there ever a good reason? Hippies say no but moderates say sometimes.

In New Mexico, the computer you use to stalk on the internet is worthy of fighting over in a bar. Just ask Cletus Bone and Lucero Rodriguez.

Bone and Rodriguez were arrested last night after causing several hundred dollars worth of damage to the “Lobo Den” - an Albuquerque bar. The two, both extremely drunk, somehow got into a conversation about stalking women on the internet. Cletus prefers using a desktop computer while Lucero enjoys the portability of his laptop.

One thing led to another and the two ended up brawling, and as a result, breaking two very expensive turquoise jewelry display cases renown in Albuquerque as a hot tourist attraction.

“I can’t believe those two [idiots] broke those beautiful cases. My family has visited the ‘Den’ for years just to check them out,” said Phil Moon. “They should have been arrested for that. I don’t know why they was arguing about how to stalk women better though - everybody knows a laptop will give you more options - especially if it’s got one of them wireless internet things.”

Police are now questioning Moon after we sent in our taped conversation.

Mandan, ND - A recent audit performed at the request of the Catholic Church found some 1,000 additional reports of child abuse by clergy. However, there is good news from North Dakota: No cases of child abuse by priests were reported in the small town of Mandan.

Church officials were pleased to finally find a parish with a clean record. “We’ve searched high and low and we finally found one,” said Bishop James Mendenhall. “In fact, the priests in Mandan had no idea that child abuse was happening anywhere, which is also a first.” The Church has worked tirelessly over the past couple of years to take appropriate action in the face of the wide-spread abuse scandal. Most officials find a glimmer of hope in this small North Dakota town, even though so many additional cases of abuse were also uncovered.

“We want to look at things positively and move forward. What’s done is done and there is an established method for men and women, and even priests, to repent of their sins,” said Mendenhall.

Mendenhall also said the Mandan parish would be receiving an “Abuse-free” plaque from the Vatican, to display proudly in the foyer.